MCPS Says Less Fucking During Pandemic Than Expected

ROCKVILLE, MD — Montgomery County Public Schools officials announced Monday that a significant decline in student enrollment is directly attributed to lower-than-anticipated levels of fucking during the COVID-19 pandemic, forcing the system to revise its long-term enrollment projections and consolidate schools.

MCPS reported a decline of 4,083 students, the largest decrease since the pandemic began. Although some community members have blamed the decline on families abandoning MCPS for private schools and homeschooling, district officials say people just weren't fucking.

"We surmised that with residents confined to their homes for months, restaurants closed, and no live sports available, there would be an unprecedented amount of fucking," explained an MCPS enrollment analyst. "We substantially underestimated how much 428 days of wearing flannel pajama pants and not showering kills libido."

Health officials took part of the blame. "We assumed that once people finished watching Netflix, baking sourdough bread and attending Zoom meetings, they'd be fucking," an HHS official said. "No one could have predicted that people would be playing Wordle all night."

One school board member questioned whether the district had adequately considered the effects of pandemic-related stress, financial uncertainty, alcohol consumption and the presence of children already living in the household. "Having three children home from school for 18 months doesn't exactly lead you to think, 'Hey, let's fuck and make another.'"

MCPS is urging residents to return to pre-pandemic fucking benchmarks, although it says there are opt-out provisions for vasectomized men, tube-tied women, and couples over 50. "What happens in your bedroom tonight determines whether your neighborhood elementary school remains open six years from now," officials warn.

The Board of Education is expected to discuss the findings at an upcoming work session titled "Enrollment Sustainability: Increasing Penetration in Understimulated Communities."